Well yes.
I've joined the team of Kjsr.net - The Voice of Jello Shooters. Just for the record, it's an online radio station that was created as the radio station of the Protector server of City of Heroes.
I just joined 2 days ago, I'm very very stressed about having to give my first show, but I still want to go through it. It forces me to practice my voice (and my english) and if it goes well enough, will give me more courage in myself and that I really can make people think I'm a girl over the phone ( because it does happen).
My shows are scheduled to be on Saturday mornings, from 9am to 11am, eastern time. I'm an very nervous about doing my first show... And hopefully, I'll get a few encouragements and it will turn out okay in the end.

I took a huge step forward when I started to work in the office at my job... and now, I'm answering the phone with 'my female voice' 99% of the time. I just practiced recording myself this morning and... it doesn't sound perfect... but it's really not as bad as I think it is. I'll find that damn spot in my voice that all other trans that did it are talking about...

So, that said... I'll be signing out now and try to stop shaking and feeling dumb >.<
See ya

P.S.  I'll be doing a new LJ : Tsuki_Sumarasu

Josie, tu sais ton jeu de Zelda? Bien, c'est pas moi qui l'avais! C'est Sei qui l'a... Pis j'ai cherché chez moi comme une folle pour le trouver =_= En tk, je suis venue sur LJ juste pour te dire ça.

Ewwwwww... just feel like puking  >.<

2 weeks with my sweetie now ^^

She stayed at my place for all week, last week, from Saturday 6th to Friday 12th.
And now, I never felt that good.

She's so wonderful to me, I hope this will continue like that for a loooooooooong time ^^
Next time I see her will be in October, on Friday the 3rd to Sunday the 5th  XD

By the way, *ahem* I need to go to a sex shop? Anyone interrested in coming with me? *shy* I've never been in one and it's kind of embarrassing me XD

Anyway, didn't go to the lanterns yesterday because I felt asleep at 4h30 and woke up at 7h..... I was REALLY tired XD

That's it for me!
Ja ~~~Anna

Tuesday - Nothing special aside talking on the phone a lot.
Wednesday... I've been officially asked out by Jamie in the morning. Gave it a lot of thoughts during the day and finally, agreed to it. Called her when I got home and voila. We started dating.
Thursday... did overtime.... bored myself out of my mind
Friday - Learned that maybe she could come visit me on Saturday for about a week... exploded with joy when she told she could.

Saturday - Got to get her at the bus terminal in Berri-Uqam. I made her a dellicious breakfast when we got home and we cuddled and watched movies, and it was great. Then I also made a delicious dinner and we also hung out with Julie(we watched a movie all the 3 of us) Nice movie and it made me cry ^^

Sunday - Oh my god. Got to wake up next to her, and I just stayed in bed for 3 more hours, awake but cuddling her and kissing her every now and then. Then, after a while, we went to visit her ex-handsome brother(ex-beau-frère XD) that is now going out with another TS called Mello. At first, I already liked her and then, we got to talk about clothes and I said I wore lolita and she said: "me too!"  Then she shown me her clothes and she also plays the guitar... Omg I just love her. I guess I have a new TS friend now ^^

That sums it up.

By the way, I'm bringing her dressed as a girl on wednesday at the Kilo. For anyone who wants to meet her, be  there :P  She's very nervous about it and keep asking me if my friends are nice, and if they'll think she's a girl or if they will consider her as such... of course I said yes but still, she's very nervous. I sure hope nobody will "attack" her :P

That's it for me... got work to do!
Ja ne!

~~~~Anna~~~~ <3<3<3

In the last two weeks, Anna had almost vanished from Montréal. A lot of things happened in my life during my vacation and now I'm more confused than ever... As many of you knows, I was in love with that girl from the US, called Cloey (who is a MtF). But, at Otakuthon, I met another friend called Jamie. By that time, she had a girlfriend and even though I had a crush on Jamie, well, I thought I never had a chance...

But it seems some sidereal played in the loom of fate because her girlfriend left her. She was very sad and as a friend, well I just had to encourage her... And then, my vacation started.

I went to visit her in her town and we partied the first night and err...we were really drunk and ended up in bed. Yeah, I had sex with her. Oh, by the way, she's a male to female trans too... To me, at first, I was lonely and only wanted to have a good time. But it seems like she slowly fell in love with me during the time I was there with her, and she wanted me to go back to see her the next week of my vacation... and so I did.

But that time, it was different... We made love to each other as we did not drink at all.... and well, I passed a few days there and we cuddled and huggled a lot and I guess I started to be in love with her too.

But, I'm still a little bit hung unto Cloey... I talked with her too and she says that I should forget her and go with Jamie... Which is what I think I really want to do. And Jamie is taller than me, she's pretty, kind, caring, loving, amusing, we share interests, and she does amazing music and all ^^  ... and she's also closer and I could go see her on the weekends... but I want to be sure that it's not only for that I want to be with her.

So now, I'm thinking and thinking and thinking about it...

That was for me...
And now, I see that many things happened since I last visited LJ, so sorry to everyone that I won't reply to everything because it would take too much time ^^ But I want to tell everyone that I still read them and I sure ok everyone will be ok ^^

Good luck to Ingrid for her appartment, Good luck to Julie with her gf, good luck to Isaka for her operation, and so on....
Good luck everyone and wish be luck also, for finding my answer...

Ja ne! <3
~~Anna

I guess I assume too much and I expect too much out of people... I should not think that someone likes me the same I like them, because so far, nothing works.
Maybe it's only me that have free time and wants to see people, but everytime I try and call someone, I'm most of the time turned down. I'll still go to L2 since it's my only source of social life as everybody is so busy. I'm thinking like a child and expect my friends to have time for me.

I'm sure it's not interresting to come to my place and I got myself a reputation of someone that gets angry pretty quickly as I heard rumors about my temper... I couldn't control it. Stupid testoterone... I didn't get angry in the last 2 months, only once because my compie was not working properly even after I tried to make it work for hours...
Maybe people can't see that I'm changing and maybe they don't like the "new me"... My self-esteem went down the gutter lately and I feel very very very lonely and sad. Maybe depressed is more the right term... but maybe I'm only in my "period"...

I'm just bored out of my mind and very tired of my stupid work, can't wait for my vacation... I think it'll do me good to take a break of things and rest a little...

I don't know what to do anymore... I just wait for that phone to ring, for someone that would be interrested in talking with me.........

One of my dear internet friends just lost his loved one yesterday... he felt terrible and called me late at night; I was half asleep when I heard the phone ring. He announced me the news, crying, and I just didn't know what to say.

I don't like when my friends are sad... so I guess I realise now how my friends must feel when I'm crying too. I'll do my best to stay happy and stay strong, because I don't want my friends to be sad for me. I want my friends to be happy so I'll do what I can to make them so.

I wish there was a way I took away everyone's pain....

Well, I was away from mostly everything computer related last week, my job requiring my full attention as my co-worker was on vacation. So, here I am, back onto a lot of free time at work!

Next week and the week after, I'M ON VACATION! Can't wait... though I don't know what I'll do during that time... Probably practice my female voice since I'll be alone at home as Julie is going in Ontario for the week... *prays that she'll find that nice voice soon* It's so hard! *sigh* But I'll find it. I'm so tired of this freaking stupid male voice that gives away my identity the moment I open up my mouth....

I'm somewhat getting over the fact that my girlfriend is far away and I want to try to enjoy life as much as I can. That is what she'd want me to do, so far, I'm doing great.

I'm somewhat worried about living as a girl, seeing the montreal nord events this week-end... I'm afraid some crazy person would attack me for no reason. But if I let my fears control my life, I'll never get anything done. As I'm scared of being laughed at when I finally try my new voice...

www.khaoskomix.com   Read that. It's good. Contains Gays, lesbians, Transsexuals. Awesome. Gives a good idea of the life someone "different" might have.

I'm scared of telling more people here... but I must do it. *takes a deep breath* So far, nobody reacted wrong, but I only need to find the one that will make a fuss with this and I'm done for... It's scary because I love this job, but I know that even if they know about me, they'll never call me Anna or let me be totally myself... I'll probably have to get a new job anyway; one that I'll be a girl to begin with.
Life's harsh.

I'll repeat myself but: I wish I had a way to make people see my point of view... 

Let's smile and do our best!
:)
~~~Anna ♥♥♥

Yesterday was awesome.
Work passed pretty quickly, I had a quick chat with my friend Jamie, and then, went to Josie and Matt's...
We talked about a lot of things, I had a lot of hugs and cuddling with Brin while watching Eggy play Romance of the 3 kingdom X like he was trying to do a speed run.... XD

Then, at midnight, I went back home and noticed Cloey was online... we talked a bit and *cough* yeah.. *blushes over 9000*

Awesome day ^^ 

Sti que le monde capote pour rien dernièrement.....

En PASSANT, avant qu'on me saute à la gorge, je parle pas de personne en particulier... Même moi, je capote pour rien aussi. Ex: Même le monde à ma job sont de même.
C'est peut-être un nouveau virus.... 

I've come to realize that I went way too much fast in my head and that I should  take it very casually with Cloey and enjoy life on my side, or I'll go crazy.
So now, I'm calming down. Going out or not with her is not important; her happiness is. As is mine for her. And seeing me stay inside and wait for her makes her sad. So I'll stop.

Also, I'm slowly getting rid of those barriers I've inflicted myself a few years back, and I came to accept that: As a man, I hated sex, As a girl, I love it... So, I'd like to discover new experiences, even though I've yet to have my vagina. I felt very very horny yesterday, and I went to play that rp game I've found. There was 3 girls on the server (including me) and we ended up doing some Yuri fanservice for the people that were watching.

I'm working very hard on my self-esteem and shyness this week... I think I'll get a little bit more outgoing. I'm always scared that people will think that I act strange, but I want to live as I want to and stop being blocked by my fears.

That's about it for what I have to say for today.
Take care ~~~ <3

~~~Anna~~~

P.S. Josie, ya tu une soirée chez vous ce soir?

I fell in love with the movie "A walk to remember" a while back and I've decided to do like in the movie and keep a list of my dreams that I must accomplish before I die. I'm a little shy to post any details on that list but I think I can share some(or most XD):

1- Become a girl.
2- Meet Cloey
3- Go on the moon (yeah that one's going to be hard)
4- Fill a swimming pool with Jell-O and get the guiness record of the biggest Jell-O ever ^^
5- Visit at least 5 other countries
6- Do bungee or parachute
7- Get a tattoo
8- Write a book (I must continue Filyon's story...)

There's more but I'll keep them for myself for now XD

Also, I was supposed to go meet my internet friend Jamie... but he arrived in Montreal at 22h.... and well, Cloey was online, so I didn't go meet him like I thought I would. I feel so bad.. I must go to Otakuthon and meet him to say I'm sorry and make it up to him somehow....  I'm sure he can understand that I really missed my girlfriend....... but still, I feel bad for letting him down.
But, at the same time, I don't regret talking with my girlfriend for the night... and I think we became even "closer" than before ^^ I think so far we are holding up the distance situation but I'm so planning of taking my next vacation over there. I'll try to fit my weeks off with her spring break or something. Can't wait <3

Also, I want to say, that I don't hate Sei. I'm happy of the time we had together and I still like her very very much. She made me discover what I wanted and what I did not like in a relationship. She helped me become who I am now... so it's because of her I'm still alive today and that I'm with Cloey, so I'll be eternally grateful. Those 4 years of my life will live on with me among the greatest memories I have ^^

Ok, I must go prepare for Otakuthon now!
See you later ^^

A very very very very very very happy Anna <3<3<3

I don't know why, but I feel somewhat exhausted. Not physically, but mentally... I can't wait to have my vacation(only a month left...) but then again, it's going to be bad on me when I'll go back to work. I can already picture it as: Hmm two weeks as a female... then back to work where.. well I'm still not really out of the closet. People have started to take notice of my developing breasts, but I've yet to officialy announce my decision. Thing is... I don't want to ANNOUNCE it. It's not really of their damn business and I'm afraid of telling everyone...  But whatever I'll do, I'll get the "strange" tag glued to me. As much as I'd want to be a real girl, I'll end up with the opposite effect; at least at work it'll be like that...

I'm tired of being on my guard 24/7, being afraid of anyone that would be psychopathic enough to attack me, beat me up or cut my hair. I'm trying to not sleep in the metro anymore because I'm afraid of what people could do to me when I sleep... I'm not getting used of being alone. I was used of going everywhere with Sei, I knew I had someone to protect me if something happened... but now, I'm alone. Most of the time. Will I ever get this fear out of me and enjoy my life? I don't know.

My house feels so empty, so devoid of life. And it's not to complain about Julie or anything. She got her own life and I can't expect her to be home when I feel lonely. When she's home, I feel relieved and safe that there's someone with me.

On a positive note, I'll be meeting one of my internet friend for the first time on friday night. Can't wait to meet him. He's coming to his friend's house that is like, 10 minutes from my home XD I met him via Maki, who gave me his email adress, so I'm not worried. He says he's really really really shy, so I'll have to be the outgoing person for the night. Perhaps a little sip of rhum will help me out :P And I'm probably going to go to Otakuthon on Saturday, depending on how motivated I am.

I'm not sure if I'll be going to L2 either, since it's Layla's birthday... Happy Birthday by the way, and people might do something with her instead. I haven't heard anything about it yet..

Anyway, I'll still wish that I could just transform into a girl overnight. Of course, I'm still on my hormones but changes are kind of slow to occur. I think I'm losing weight but in an unhealthy way. As Pascal told me this week-end that I was unexpectedly very light..I don't know what is my current weight, but I think it's around 145-150.... which is kind of light for a 5'10 person... I've been losing appetite for an unknown reason and I haven't been eating much lately. I know I'm going to have a flood of people telling me to take care of myself and that not eating is not a good thing...

Maybe after I rest in August, things will start to look up.....
I'm still waiting for my lovely girlfriend. *crosses fingers for daily emails in september*

See you around.
~~~Anna~~~

Got only one thing to say...
I think my liver is not used to all that alcohol and now my body, combined with the hormones pills, got it's blood pressure down and I'm feeling very very very very very very unwell this morning... I feel I'm going to faint... And there's also high pressure moments that I think my body is trying to correct itself but it makes my heart pumps faster and gives me hyperventilation......   =_='   .... eee......  

I miss having someone that can take care of me.....

I don't usually post lyrics here, but I love this song right now ^^

 

Things are better.
I talked with Julie and we had a lot of nice girl-time yesterday watching "A walk to remember" while eating ice cream.
Also, I have a surprise for tonight at the L2... but I so feel like telling it right away because I missed them very much! Try to guess what I'm referring to! XD
I'm so lucky to have such nice friends that care when I'm feeling down. Thanks to everyone that replied and talked with me yesterday.

Today's my daddy's birthday. I'll call him and tell him that I love him very much <3  I'll just continue to hope that someday, he'll be able to accept me as his daughter, but he's trying hard to show me that even though he's not very comfortable with my decision, he still loves me.

I'm working on my self-esteem this morning, trying to be more outgoing and do the things I want to do... It's hard.

The only thing that really is bugging me is that I so miss my Cloey.... But, next year, around her spring break, I'm already starting to plan on going over there for a week or two...  Just hope that I'll want to come back!! ^^

I like myself so much better when I'm not feeling gloomy ^^ Happiness FTW :P

See you all later! ^^
~~~Anna~~~